3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
