I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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