I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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