I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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