your parents love me but you hate me
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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