I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
