Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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