she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
me + whiskey = a bad person
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
