are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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