He disabled his match.com account in front of me
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
