my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
