Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
