I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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