I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize