I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
