the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
