The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
