Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
