Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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