Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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