i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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