he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
