Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
