Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
