i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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