3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
