Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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