That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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