My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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