no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
