At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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