dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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