We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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