There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
