He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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