Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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