so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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