I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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