My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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