I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
