Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
