Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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