I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
