im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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