how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize