dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
