Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Randomize