What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
