the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
