I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
