Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize