Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
