well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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