According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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