i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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