One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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