You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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