If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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