he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
