the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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