She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
