I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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