mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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