every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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