i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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