whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
