she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
