Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
