we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
